Sokka is a Sl t
by S-Michael
Summary: Let's just pretend I was going to say "slattern" in the title. Sokka is nailed by every female in the world. Except his sister...maybe. Sokka x everybody.
1. Page 1 of 4

**AN:** Ah, my "triumphant" return to after being in self-imposed exile for _two freaking years!_ Also, my first true crackfic. I have an idea running around inside of my head for an actual post-series chapter work that will, you know, not subsume established characterization to the Rules of Funny and/or –Sexy, but I haven't finished the series yet, so it will have to wait.

Oh, and before anyone screams "anachronism," condoms have actually existed for thousands of years. _Latex_ condoms are a recent invention, being that latex is a recent invention, but before that, condoms were made out of animal skins or intestines. (They wouldn't have stopped HIV, but were otherwise very effective.) And now you know. But enough with this crap, on with this smutty comedy…humorous smut-fic…whatever…

Final Note: This story was originally supposed to be a one-shot, but it ended up being some _six thousand_ words (the long-ass Author's Note probably doesn't help), so I've broken it up into four roughly-even bite-size morsels. Please read and review.

Sokka is a Slut (or: Yes, Yes, _Yes!_)

S-Michael

* * *

_The Chase_

The girls had been chasing them for several hours, tempers were rising, and Katara had the distinct feeling that they were forgetting something, but that didn't excuse driving Toph off. "We did something bad, Aang."

"I know, Katara."

"Why didn't you try to stop us, Sokka?" Silence. "Sokka?" Katara looked around. "Sokka's not here! When did that happen?"

* * *

_Several hours earlier…_

"I've got to go do some business with a tree stump. Don't leave without me," Sokka said.

Katara mumbled something that was almost in a decipherable language, waving him away.

"Alright. Just so you know," and with that, Sokka stumbled into the woods. Just as he was finishing up, Appa took off. "Appa, no!" Sokka ran back to the campsite, buttoning his pants. "Appa, hey, Appa! You big dumb mattress monster!" Appa didn't hear him, and Sokka sank to his knees, watching the flying bison shrink into the distance. "There is no way that this could possibly get any worse." Just then, he heard the sound of tank treads. "Oh, right; that."

* * *

"Oh, look, girls, they must be slipping—they forgot one," Azula said. She nodded at Ty Lee.

Ty Lee jumped out of the tank. "Surrender now, cutie, so I don't have to hurt you, okay?" The boy raised his arms over his head. "Great!" she said perkily. "Say, what's your name?"

"Sokka."

"Hey, Azula, isn't he cute?" Ty Lee asked.

Azula studied Sokka, speaking as she did so. "I know what you're thinking, Ty Lee, and…oh, what the hell? He _is_ kind of cute. Hey, Mai, up for a gang rape?"

"Whatever. There isn't anything else to do in that tank but stew in our own sweat."

"Hey, you can't do that!" Sokka said.

"Why not?" Ty Lee asked.

"What if I'm gay?" Sokka asked rhetorically.

"Are you?" Ty Lee asked.

"No, but it's the principle of the thing. Or what if I've got a girlfriend?" Sokka replied.

"Do you?" Ty Lee asked again.

"No, again, principle of the thing. Or what if I simply don't like you?"

"Don't you?"

"Well, you are my enemies and all, but if I had to say whether or not I hate you enough to turn down a chance to…but that's not the _point!_ I'm trying to tell you that rape's not okay just because it's female on male," Sokka said.

"You make an excellent point, Sokka," Azula said. "Unfortunately, you're forgetting something vital to the situation."

"Yeah, what?" Sokka asked.

"We don't fucking care," Azula said.

Sokka sighed. "Well, fuck it, I did my moral duty—at the risk of talking my way out of an all-girl foursome, too. That ought to, like, quintuple my karma points. Let's do this thing. Can I at least lay my clothes on the ground so I don't get a twig up my butt when you ravish me?"

"Nice try, but we're doing this in the tank, so that we can chase your friends at the same time." Azula said. "Ty Lee, get him inside and strip him. In that order."

Sokka got to his feet, arms still held above his head. "Hey, look at that!" he shouted.

"Where?" Ty Lee asked, looking up at the sky where he was pointing. Sokka ran, but she reached out and pinched his neck, paralyzing him, and he collapsed face-first into the dirt. "Did you just try to run?"

"Loyalty to my friends and a prisoner's duty to escape and all that. You understand," Sokka said dourly with his face in the dirt. "Damn it, karma spirit, whatever you are, was a five minute delay for my friends too much to ask in return for going to my first orgy unable to feel anything?"

"Oh, relax, it'll wear off," Ty Lee said as she lifted him in a fireman carry. She grinned. "And in the mean time, you've still got your mouth."

"I want to see if he can still get it up even if he can't feel anything," Azula said.

"Whichever one of you gets done first, relieve me," Mai said.

Azula and Ty Lee looked at each other, and sort of chuckled. "Oh, I'd be happy to _relieve_ you," Ty Lee teased.

"Get your heads out of the gutter," Mai said. "I meant as in 'take over driving the tank so I can have a turn.'"

They entered the tank. "This is surprisingly spacious," Sokka observed.

"Well, it _is_ a cavalry carrier, after all," Azula said.

Ty Lee set Sokka down in the corner farthest from the giant geckoes and began undressing him. As soon as she had his pants off, Azula reached between his legs and started stroking him. "Oh, look, it's working," she said. "This has all sorts of implications for your talents, Ty Lee. Anyway…" Azula placed a condom on Sokka, "Safety first, you know," disrobed, placed Sokka inside her, and began to ride him. It was strange watching that, feeling nothing.

Then Ty Lee took her pants and underpants off and put her crotch in his face. "Be a good boy and eat your fill," she said, still fumbling with her shirt. Sokka obeyed, and then the shirt was off and she was unwrapping the sarashi from her breasts. It was at this time that feeling began to return to Sokka's body, and feeling was good.

Azula spoke up, breathing heavy: "You realize, of course…that if you cum first…I'm going to hurt you…right, Sokka?"

Sokka pulled his tongue out of Ty Lee: "Hey, I'm just now regaining feeling in that organ, how do you expect me to control it?"

"Less complaining, more doing," Azula ordered.

"Sokka, aren't you forgetting something?" Ty Lee asked leadingly.

"Right, sorry," and he got back to work. He didn't want Azula to hurt him, as he had the distinct impression that she could be quite nasty when she wanted to be, but he didn't think he had enough control in his lower body yet to delay himself. _Well, I'll just have to bring her faster, then._ He did his usual mental calculations in order to distract himself from coming (stumbling, as usual, where it came to doing square roots), but as he did so, he tried moving his fingers, found he could, and began rubbing her clit in a manner that he'd learned.

"Oh, yes; good boy," Azula purred. "Oh, yes; oh, yes." Ty Lee was also moaning, but not as much; Sokka was concentrating more on getting Azula to come, so that she'd go. He began to move his hips in a circular pattern. "Oh, yes, yes, yes! Yes, yes, yes!" Azula shuddered.

"You just came," Ty Lee said. "I felt you through him."

"Yeah, I've told you that actually _saying_ that is creepy, right?" Azula asked rhetorically. She got up, not bothering to wait for Sokka to come, too. "Just don't use him up too fast; I want there to be something left for my next turn." She dressed and left. Sokka began to wonder if he wasn't in way over his head.

"Azula didn't wait for you to finish, did she?" Ty Lee asked. "That was inconsiderate of her. Don't worry; _I'm_ more considerate." And with that she flipped over and sixty-nined him.

Mai came out. "Um, Ty Lee? Are you, you know, sucking on the same condom that was just inside Azula?"

"Mm-hmm."

"Well, that's not gross or anything. I think I'll wait until you're done, though, if it's all the same to you, before I hop on."

Sokka came. Ty Lee sat up. "You're so unadventurous, Mai. Why don't you—oh, _yes!_" She shuddered with orgasm, and got off Sokka's face. "I'm done." She then turned around and kissed him, and Sokka could taste Azula.

"I suppose that counts," and Mai placed Sokka inside her. "This is barely getting started, boy."

**AN:** During the course of writing this story, I actually went back and re-wrote this last scene _three times_, making it longer each time, every time ostensibly to add in what would have been the beginning of a running gag, and each time deigning not to. (Sokka was going to ask if anyone knew the square root of point-five-one; it would have made sense in the context it's not going to have.)

Also, I'm serious about R&R'ing. Half of my fics (literally) are on more fav lists than they've got reviews (just think about that for a second…yeah) (and many of those are on _way_ more fav lists), and it gets annoying after a while.

BTW, it gets funnier.


	2. Page 2 of 4

**AN:** You remember how I said that condoms weren't an anachronism? Well, they're not, but I thought it might be fun to slip in something that was somewhere in this fic. (And the cavalry-carrying tank doesn't count; that's standard canon Fire Nation schizo-tech BS.) It may not be easy to spot, but somewhere in this fic, before it is done, there will have been some object, person, or idea that would fit in better with the Avatar with the giant blue cat-people than with the Avatar with the people who can shoot fire from their fingertips. Lets see if you Einsteins can figure it out.

* * *

"Are you sure you want to go along with this plan?" Aang asked. The plan was that he lay a false trail to lead the tank astray, while Katara escape on Appa.

"Sure," Katara said. "Sokka must have evaded them, right? Or else they'd be using him to bait us into a trap."

* * *

Mai rode Sokka until he came, and then continued riding him until she came. "Oh…oh, Zu—I mean, Sokka!"

"Were you about to call my brother's name there?" Azula asked, bemused. She was cleaning up and getting dressed for her turn in the cockpit.

"Um…no…"

"Water," Sokka moaned.

"Oh, shut up," Azula said. "We've only been using you for about four hours now. Maybe four and a half."

"Not that we aren't getting adequate use out of him already, but shouldn't we be using him as bait to lure his friends into a trap?" Mai asked.

"On second thought, I'm feeling fine," Sokka said lamely. "Why don't you all have another go? No need to open the doors or show anyone out there that I'm in here. Heh-heh…"

"Nice try," Azula said. "The truth is, we would, if only they'd stop taking off before we entered line-of-sight."

"Oh, is that what we were waiting for?" Mai asked awkwardly, rubbing the back of her neck in a way that would have been bashful if she wasn't naked and covered in sweat.

"Don't tell me we made line of sight and you didn't _do_ anything about it?"

"Well, when you put it that way…yeah, about two hours ago."

"Damn it, Mai, how do you think Ty Lee will feel after all the time she spent waiting when she finds out that you…had…them…" Azula's facial expression slowly changed, and she knocked on the cockpit door.

Ty Lee opened the door. "Oh, is it my turn again?"

"Yes. But Ty Lee? We wouldn't happen to have made line-of-sight contact with the flying bison at any point during the last several hours, would we have?" Azula asked with a strained voice.

"Oh, yeah, three times. Why?" Ty Lee blinked innocently, and it wasn't an affectation. "You're looking kind of red. Did you strain yourself with Sokka?"

"Just…let me drive…" Azula somehow managed not to explode, entered the cockpit, pushed Ty Lee out, and slammed the door in her face.

"I'm going to get some air," Mai said. "This place smells like sex and lambskin."

"That means I get you all to myself, now, then," Ty Lee said to Sokka. "Yay!"

* * *

Katara faced the tank as the side opened. The chirpy girl and the dour girl came out, but the smug girl was nowhere to be seen. The chirpy girl had Sokka attached to her saddle. She waved at Katara: "He there! Your brother's a good lay." She said.

"Sokka, what did they _do_ to you?" Katara asked, horrified.

Sokka looked at her, and croaked: "Run for your life; they've consumed most of my lifeforce and have become unstoppable."

Katara gave the girls a look of unmitigated violence. "Big mistake; now you have made me mad." And yet the fight that followed wasn't significantly different from the one in canon enough to be worth reporting. See you in the next scene, suckers.

* * *

"Just drink plenty of water, Sokka," Katara said.

Sokka gulped down another canteen-full. "Ugh, more." Katara bent some more river water into the bag.

"Was it really that bad?" Aang asked.

"Aang, there is such a thing as _too much_ of a good thing," Sokka said, shuddering. "Though, now that I'm no longer afraid for my life or your lives or getting us all captured, in retrospect, it _was_ pretty awesome."

"Well, _I'm_ still pissed," Katara said. "Why did your first sexual experience have to be so traumatic?"

"Um, actually, this wasn't my first," Sokka said.

"It wasn't?" Toph asked. "Give us all the sordid details."

"Well, y'all remember Yue, right?"

"I don't," Toph said.

"Oh, right."

* * *

_The Siege of the North_

"Sokka, what are you doing here?" Yue asked.

"Your father wanted me to protect you," Sokka said. "Also, I met Hanh. And he's—"

"—an unmitigated jerkoff?" Yue asked.

"Well, yeah," Sokka said. "My point is, you can't marry him."

"I wouldn't if I couldn't," Yue said. "Wait…" she mouthed what she just said "…yeah," and decided it was grammatically correct.

"Ugh! I don't even understand why you need to marry this guy! Is the world going to end if you run away?"

"No, but it's the only way to close a schism between Hahn's father and mine that otherwise is about to spill over into the streets and destroy the entire north pole," Yue said.

"…Oh. _Fuck!_" Sokka said.

"Yeah, tell me about it," Yue said. They paused awkwardly. "So, anyway, I suppose we ought to get going…"

"Yeah." They got onto Appa and took off, nearly getting hit by a fireball.

"I don't want to die a virgin!" Yue said.

"You're not going to die, Yue," Sokka said. "I'm going to get you out of here…"

"…and then I'm going to get married. Same difference," Yue said.

"…Well, I don't know what I can do about that."

"Don't you?"

"Oh. _Oh!_ Yeah, we can do something about _that_ part of it right now," Sokka said. "I've got condoms around here somewhere."

So they found the condoms, and then—

* * *

"I do _not_ need to hear this," Katara said. "I'm going to the other side of the river so I can, you know, wash my ears out and pretend I never heard any of this." She left.

Sokka paused, looking at Aang and Toph.

"Well, go on," Toph said.

"It's just, well, I'm a little conflicted about going into this much detail with a pair of twelve-year-olds," Sokka said.

"You realize that I could destroy you without even breaking a sweat, right?" Toph pointed out. "As for Aang, he _is_ the Avatar. He's lived through sexuality from both sides."

"All four, actually; not all of the Avatars have been straight, you know" Aang said.

"Fair enough," Sokka sighed.

* * *

Sokka whipped his shirt off, and quickly regretted it. "Ah! Cold! Cold!" He got it back on.

"Well, what do you expect? This _is_ the North Pole, you know," Yue said as she took off her panties. "Just undo your pants."

"That skirt really is convenient," Sokka said. "Maybe you should be on top so I don't freeze my butt off. You know, literally."

"Such a gentleman," Yue said as she squatted over him. Not being able to see what they were doing, it took a few tries to get it in the hole, but then she rode him, and he pumped to rhythm. It was quick and furious lovemaking, for they did not have much time, and Sokka bit his lip in order to keep from coming too soon. And then—"Oh, Sokka, yes! Yes!" She came. He came.

They quickly cleaned themselves up as Appa landed. Katara and Aang climbed aboard. "Was it really necessary to meet Yue on your own?" Katara asked.

Yue and Sokka looked at each other, and snorted with surpressed laughter. "Oh, yes, Katara. Definitely," Sokka said.

Katara rolled her eyes. "Whatever."

* * *

"It's safe to come back now; I'm done," Sokka shouted with hands cupped around his mouth.

Katara stood on a wave and rode it across the river. "I'm going to regret asking this, but before I left, you said you had condoms with you on Appa. _Why_ did you have condoms with you on Appa?"

"Oh, well, Yue wasn't my first, either," Sokka said. "Before that, I slept with June."

"Who's June?" Katara asked.

"You remember that bounty hunter Zuko sent after us? That's June."

"What…but…how…_when?_" Katara stuttered.

"Well, there's a funny story behind that…"

"And I'm out of here. Again," Katara said, riding another wave back across the river.

"Alright then. It was about a day or two after we met her, and I was wandering the bazaar at some random Eath Kingdom town, looking for a new bag, when I heard this voice behind me…"


	3. Page 3 of 4

**AN:** So, anyone else wondering why Toph's so interested in Sokka's sex life?

**AN2:** I just checked with the library, and _Avatar Book 3_ is in transit. Meaning that I will soon be able to watch it, which will only be for the good with those fics of mine which, you know, actually care about getting characterization _right_.

_

* * *

(_A day or two after_) Bato of the Water Tribe_

"Hey, boy, Zuko's got a trap for you in the next town."

Sokka jumped at the sound of the voice. "Oh, hey, crazy bounty hunter lady. I'm sure that this is in no way a trick or anything. Just out of idle curiosity, however, why are you telling me this?"

"Because I hate Iroh," she said. "We were paralyzed and lying against one another for almost an hour—only, he was _faking_ it. So, basically, he _groped_ me _for almost an hour!_ Fat, old bastard. Of course, being the ones who confused my pet in the first place, your little gang has to pay something, as well. Don't worry, though, your price isn't nearly as steep. But you're going to pay it right now."

"Well, uh…"

"Shut up. You see, I can't get the…sensation…of lying on top of Iroh off my skin. You're going to help me with that by replacing it with something younger and hotter."

"Um, I just got into town and don't look for that sort of thing in the first place, so wouldn't know where you can find a gigolo—"

"I was talking about _you_, dumbass."

"Oh. Right," Sokka said bashfully.

"I don't suppose you've got a condom on you."

"You suppose correctly."

"What kind do you use?"

"Lambskin, I suppose."

"Good choice." And so they bought condoms and went to June's hotel room.

"A little young, ain't he, June?" the man behind the front desk asked.

"Aw, shaddup, Lu; no one asked you."

"'June'? Somehow you don't strike me as a 'June.'"

"No one asked _you_, either." They entered her room. "Well, here's the place. Eat my cunt."

"Hey, now, I'm not a piece of meat!" Sokka protested. "Be a bit less coarse; there needs to be some give and take—"

"Fine; I'll suck you off before you eat me out." She swiftly proceeded to kneel in front of him, undo his pants, and fellate him before he could respond.

"That's not…oh…precisely what…I was…talking…about…oh, fuck it; don't stop!" Sokka moaned as June's mouth slid up and down his cock. She was a skilled operator, playing with her tongue on the underside of his shaft. "Oh, I'm about to—"

June pulled out. "Oh, no, you're not! Now it's my turn, and I suggest you use the opportunity to get yourself under control so you can last longer when we do it proper. And take your clothes off." She stood, stripping herself.

"I—" sigh "—fuck it; fine." Sokka obediently stripped, and knelt in front of June. Just as he'd been taught, he concentrated on the clit, making characters with his tongue.

"Oh, you've done this before. Yes…oh, yes…OH Y—"

Sokka pulled back. "How do _you_ like it, eh?"

"Oh, you are _so_ going to pay for that," June said. "Get on the bed." Sokka did so, staring up at her, and she just looked at him. "Damn, but you look so cute like that. Aren't you forgetting something, though?"

"Hmm?"

"The condom, dumbass."

"Oh, right!" Sokka took care of that swiftly enough, and then June was on him, and he was in her. They began to pump together. Sokka rolled on top of her, then June rolled on top of him, and then—they fell on the packed-earth floor.

"Ow!"

"Fuck it, you can be on top," Sokka said. "The hell am I trying to prove, anyway?"

June rode him, and Sokka reached between her legs to play with her clit while she did so. "Oh, yeah…oh, yeah… If you pull out _this_ time, I'll kill you," June said.

"Wouldn't…dream…of…it…"

"Oh, yeah…oh, yeah…yes, yes, _yes!_" June let out a high-pitched sound as her body shivered around Sokka, bringing him. "Did you finish?"

"Yeah," Sokka said.

"Good, because I've got what I wanted and we're done," June said.

"You know, you've really got to work on that bedside manner of yours," Sokka complained. "Which, for the record, was what I was talking about earlier when you distracted me by going down on me."

"Yeah, yeah, I'll take it under advisement," June said. "Get dressed and go."

"Can I at least clean myself up first?"

"Sure, why not? Don't fall over yourself thanking me for my magnanity."

* * *

"So _that's_ why you wanted to fly west that day instead of east," Aang said.

"You already had a 'preferred' condom in that story, and 'training' on what to do with your tongue," Toph said. "That wasn't your first time."

"No, it's not," Sokka said. "My _first_ time was on Kyoshi Island…"

* * *

_The Kyoshi Warriors_

Suki pinned him to the ground tight enough for her to know exactly how happy he was to be there. "Well, you're certainly enjoying yourself."

"Could you, um, get off me?" Sokka asked.

"Sure." Suki did so. They'd been wrestling as part of Sokka's training.

"As for…you know, that…" Sokka blushed, "apparently women who can kick my ass turn me on."

Suki chuckled. "Good thing, too, it would seem, seeing how that's most of us."

"Ow; my masculinity!"

Suki sighed. "Sokka, Sokka, Sokka, haven't you learned? One would think getting your ass kicked so much over these past few weeks would have taught you that being a man isn't about being tough or strong or whatever…but maybe I should be going about it a different way; perhaps, instead of showing you what being a man is _not_, I should show you what being a man _is_."

"Huh? What does that mean?" Sokka asked.

"Let's get out of these dresses; kicking your ass all day has made me horny."

Sokka gulped. "Okay, then." He tried to be suave, but his voice broke during the second syllable. "Uh…"

Suki laughed. "Relax, smooth guy." She kissed him, and they made out for a while. "So, top or bottom?"

"Um, I've never actually done this before…"

Suki tilted her head and looked at him. "Mm, you strike me as a bottom guy."

"Hey, Suki, what about…um…'protection'?"

"Fuck, you're right. Let's go to my place; I've got condoms there. Good lambskin ones, too."

* * *

"And so we went to Suki's house and fucked, the end," Sokka said.

"You don't honestly think you're going to get away with that pan to the sky at this point, do you?" Toph asked.

"I'm getting tired of relating my whole sexual history to you guys, you know," Sokka said. "Besides, my throat's getting parched. Remember, I munched enough carpet this morning to do the floors in _Toph's_ house, you know. And then use the money from that as seed money to start my own carpeting company, and then use the prophets from that to expand into tea, and then—"

"Are you going somewhere with that metaphor, Sokka?" Aang asked.

"…Yeah, thanks for catching me, Aang."

"Thank him by not leaving us hanging with the details of that story," Toph said.

"I'm too hot and thirsty," Sokka said, filling the canteen. Aang created a breeze. "Oh, that's nice." Aang stopped. "Hey! Why did you…oh, I get it; clever. Fine, I'll tell you what happened when Suki and I had sex that night, but no more, got it? And in return, you have to keep fanning me for as long as I want, okay?"

"You have my word as an Avatar."

"Alright, then…"

* * *

**AN: **For a minute there, after typing "And so we went to Suki's house and fucked, the end," I was tempted to just leave the scene at that. What can I say? Leaving y'all hanging like that would have been amusing, and Sokka was right; it was getting late in the day (actually, past midnight, for me), and I had a whole 'nother sex scene to write (spoiler alert). Luckily for you, I got over it…


	4. Page 4 of 4

**AN:** I've been looking through my fics, and it turns out that in spite of what I said above, this is NOT my first crack fic. Ah well; sue me.

BTW, that impression you got in the last chapter that Suki's done this before? It's only going to get stronger.

* * *

"No, no, no—the condom goes on like _this._" Suki stroked him a bit to make sure he was as hard as he was getting, and then put the condom on for him. "Do you know where the clitoris is?"

"Yeah, it's at the top of…you know, the whole ensemble."

"Er, yes. Impressive that you know that, considering."

Sokka shrugged. "The next oldest male in my village was still crapping his diapers when we left; I spent a lot of time with women and certain information just…filtered through."

"Ah. Anyway, I want you to try fingering my clit." Sokka had never seen a clitoris before, but he had the advantage of knowing what he was looking for, so found it swiftly; he did as she said, playing around with it with his middle finger for a while, and wasn't doing too bad from the quiet moans Suki was giving off, and then he started feeling around directly below it. "What are you doing?" Suki asked.

"There's supposed to be an opening down here somewhere," Sokka said.

"It's about half an inch lower," Suki said.

"Oh. Yep, there it is." As it turns out, it's entirely possible to be embarrassed while you've got two fingers inside somebody. He rubbed her clit with his other hand while he used that one to try and find out whether or not the G-spot actually existed.

"_Oh_—kay, you've got the basic idea down," Suki said. "Now lay back because I'm going to jump you." Sokka lay down on Suki's bed, and she mounted him. She began to ride him; "Move your hips against mine. Also, try to keep from coming for as long as you can."

"How do I do that?" Sokka asked breathily.

"I hear you think un-sexy thoughts. Math…or sports…or something. It's…_uh, uh_…not my area of…_uh_…expertise," Suki said.

Sokka felt himself stirring, and started thinking furiously: _"D" equals the square root of the sum of one minus the square of "v" divided by the square of c. If we define measurements of "v" by fractions of c, then c equals one, and we can forget it. …ohmyohmyohmy… If "v" is point eight…yesyesyesyesyes…can't keep this up…FOCUS, Sokka! Damn it, man, hold it together! _If "v" is point-eight_, the square of that is point-six-four, and one minus point-six-four is…oh…FOCUS—I am NOT letting Suki think I'm a premature ejaculator! One minus point-six-four is point-three-six…and the square root of point three six is…_fuck!_ I _**HATE**_ trying to figure out square roots! That stupid squiggly square-root symbol, just sitting above the number, _mocking_ me—OHDEARSWEETSPIRITSIJUSTCAME!_ "Sorry."

"No, you did well, for a virgin," Suki said. "You came first, though, which means you've got to keep going." She was still riding him, and Sokka did a one-eighty mental flip—from trying desperately not to come to trying desperately to keep it up. _Can't I just use my hands? Oh, wait—duh._ Sokka began fingering Suki's clit. "Oh, yes, yes, YES!" She shuddered around him. And stopped pumping her hips.

"I take it I did good?" Sokka asked.

"Yes, Sokka; you did good," Suki said.

"If I was smart, I'd have been fingering your clit the entire time," Sokka berated himself.

"Well, now you know better for tomorrow night," Suki said.

"Could we try again in ten minutes? I want to try it from behind so I can reach around and finger your clit."

"Tempting, but we've got a long day of my kicking your ass tomorrow," Suki said regretfully. "It will have to wait for tomorrow night. You'd best get home before the Avatar and your sister wonder where you've gotten yourself to."

"Right." They got up and started cleaning themselves off. "Hey, Suki, you wouldn't happen to know the square root of point-three-six, would you?"

"Not right off the top of my head. Why?"

"No reason."

Suki tilted her head in thought: "Half…no; two thirds… no; three fifths…yeah. Definitely." Louder: "The answer's three fifths."

"Oh. Thanks." He got dressed. "…Uh, I believe this is the part where I kiss you good night?"

"Et vice versa." She kissed him. "Goodnight, Sokka."

"Goodnight, Suki."

* * *

"Wait, but you said she taught you how to go down on a woman," Toph said.

"She did; we didn't leave the island until three days later," Sokka said.

"You tricked us!" Toph said.

"Yes, I did," Sokka said smugly.

"Aang, stop fanning him."

"I can't; I gave my word as an Avatar."

"Yes, you did, and let that be a lesson to you about invoking it unless absolutely necessary," Sokka said. He shouted across the river: "You can come back now, Katara!"

Katara crossed the river. "Well, thank the spirits that that's over. You took an indecently long time in regaling them that time; either you went into an obscene amount of detail, or you must have left June's head spinning. As in, to this day."

"Actually, after telling us about June, he told us about a girl named Suki," Toph said.

"Suki? Really? Well, at least _that_ one makes sense," Katara said. "Honestly, though—have you met a single girl since we left the South Pole whom you _haven't_ fucked?"

"I didn't do that girl in Auntie May's village who had a crush on Aang—"

"A girl in Auntie May's village had a crush on me?"

"—or Smellerbee, either."

Katara stared at him.

"What? Honest I didn't."

* * *

_Jet_

_"Wow, you guys sure like to party," Sokka said, walking with Smellerbee in the woods._

_"We're freedom fighters, not a job with a great retirement plan;" Smellerbee shrugged. "'Live for today, for tomorrow we die,' and suchlike. If we want to do something, we've got to get around to it quick. Which brings me to why I wanted you to walk with me."_

_"It does?" Sokka asked._

_"Yes, Sokka." Smellerbee turned to stare him in the eye. "I want you. I want you inside me. I want you to pin me against the nearest tree and, just, pound the shit out of my twat."_

_"That's, er, not my usual style, but okay. Let's do this."_

_A hungry look came into Sokka's eye as he lifted her against the tree and pushed his cock into her, pinning her between his body and the tree. He thrust furiously. "Oh, yes!" Smellerbee shouted, clawing at his back through his jacket. "Yes, yes, _yes!_ Oh—"_

The Duke shook Smellerbee awake. "Hey, Smellerbee, wake up. We've got to plant that explosive jelly under the dam today, remember?"

"Hmm? Damn it, I was having the most wonderful dream…" Smellerbee sighed.

"Dream when you're dead."

"Yeah, I know…"

* * *

"Yeah, I know," Katara said. "I thought Smellerbee was a boy, though."

"Nope, girl," Aang said. "I think she and Longshot have a thing."

"She was _obviously_ a girl, Katara," Sokka said.

"I was just staring because I just realized that my brother is a slut," Katara said.

"I _also_ just realized that your brother is a slut," Toph said. "Awesome; that makes this easier than I thought it would be."

"What are you talking about, Toph?" Sokka asked.

"Oh, come now, idiot, why _else_ would I want to hear about your sexual exploits? Remember that thing you said to Suki about being attracted to girls who can kick your ass? Guess what; _I_ can kick your ass. Hint-hint."

"Yeah, but, still, you're…tell you what; a decade from now when it's no longer creepy, sure," Sokka said.

"I'll let you mull it over for a while first," Toph ignored his protestation.

"Wow. Just…wow," Katara said, dumbstruck.

"I am suddenly very glad that he's your brother," Aang said. Then a horrible idea crossed his mind; "Wait—how much does the Southern Water Tribe have in common with the Boggy Swamp Tribe, culturally speaking?"

"How do you mean?" Katara asked.

"Um…nevermind…"

"Hey, Katara, I think I just realized why you were so pissed at those girls earlier," Sokka crowed.

_Oh, no!_

"Truthfully, I should have seen it earlier. After all, I've known you your entire life."

_Oh, NO!_

"After all, Ty Lee is totally your type, isn't she? If it's any consolation, I got the distinct impression that she might be bisexual."

"Wait, what?" Aang asked, thrown off.

"I'm a lesbian, Aang," Katara said.

"Like, duh, Twinkle Toes," Toph added. "Why do you think I call her 'Sugar Queen'?"

"Oh. Um, good for you. If you'll excuse me, I'm going to go scouting for a moment…" Aang took off into the air with his glider. High in the sky, Aang looked at the ruby sunset which broke the sky into a million colors and shades. And shouted: "_Fuck!_"

* * *

**Author's Commentary (As If You Care)**

For the first couple of hours I had this in my head, I was violently opposed to making this smutty at all, on the theory that that would make it less funny, but I could see people coming after me with pitchforks if I had the gall to lay all the groundwork for an Azula/Ty Lee/Mai/Sokka sex scene and then immediately pan to the sky. Which, admittedly, would have been kind of funny, but not in a way that you'd likely appreciate. I cut over most of it, anyway, but come on—four and a half hours. It would have eaten the entire story.

It was weird, deliberately messing with established characterization for the sake of a few laughs. I supposed that I did the same thing in _DBZ Condensed_, but that story was too, well, condensed for any sort of canon characterization (not to mention being beige prose to the point where I described fight scenes like this: they fought), and besides, it was something of a commentary on the absurdity of the entire series, whereas this is Casanova Sokka going around getting laid all over the flaming wreckage of the plot. It felt like I was writing one of those Never Was This World-type AUs, you know, the ones where everything's similar but somewhat different, and maybe you think if you just go back a little farther, you can find the place where this history deviated from the real world, only you can't because it always was a little off?

Actually, replace "the real world" with "canon," and that's exactly what I was doing, really—especially considering the twist about Katara being a lesbian. (I am very proud of that, BTW.) I mean, sure, the scene at the end of "The Kyoshi Warriors" where Suki kissed Sokka on the cheek would have been weird if they'd been boffing, meaning that I'd probably been deviating from canon since the second episode, but Katara being a lesbian (when she's obviously not in canon) just blew the entire possibility that anything about this story was canon out of the water. With a nuke. For the sake of a throwaway gag ending. (See why I'm so proud of it?)

The Smellerbee scene was something of an asspull. I realized halfway through that I'd completely forgotten about her, and immediately thought of Sokka banging her in the woods. But the scene didn't really fit in with the rest of the story. The fact that she's (probably) so young made it, well, kind of squicky (you'll notice that it's the shortest scene in the story). But, on the other hand, the whole point of the story was to have Sokka nail all the female PCs, so I was stuck. And so I compromised. Also, having it be a dream sequence allowed me to ignore certain things. Like pants. Go back and reread it; they're doing it through their pants.

Well, this is getting overlong, so I'll wrap it up. This is my first _Avatar: the Last Airbender_ fanfic, so I don't have anything to shamelessly plug in this fandom. I do have lots of fanfics of other cartoon and anime fandoms, though. Some are comedies (look for the least reviewed ones), some are smutfics (look for the most reviewed ones), some are both smutty and funny (like this one), some are epic chapter-works (anything with more than four or five chapters, really), some I admit I'm not too proud of (_Breaking_) and some, in my humble opinion, are amongst the greatest fanfics ever written on this site or elsewhere in the history of ever (anything I've written for _Evangelion_, for example).

Anyway, read and review. Seriously. Or I will find you…


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